[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
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Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.