Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
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I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.