Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
You Might Also Like
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation