You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.