My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
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Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
The first one, obviously
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder