Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
You Might Also Like
These work great until they don’t.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
…u ok Nintendo?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.