Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
You Might Also Like
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.