How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
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Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time