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It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
😂😂
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
It do be feeling this way.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.