In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
You Might Also Like
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
😂🤣😂🤣