Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
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Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.