If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
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Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”