Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
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Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*