Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
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Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Britain be like
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.