Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
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Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.