if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
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Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again