[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
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Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.