Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
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“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
smartest karate player in the world
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news