Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
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[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10