My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
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Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.