I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.