10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
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Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!