Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
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3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.