Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
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Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.