I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
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I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.