Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
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Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.