Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
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“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666