So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
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2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Lol
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
also my go-to takeaway order
sliding into dms like
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
*me flirting
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
yeah no that’s fair
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*