Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
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sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”