I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
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Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
❤️❤️❤️
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.