I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
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My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
This made me chuckle cuz mood
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?