I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
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9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Happy weekend !
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
LA today:
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*