Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
This is me 🤣🤣
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me