Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
You Might Also Like
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.