If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
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At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
want me to check your oil?
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business