DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
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The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor