Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
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don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I can’t be the only one 😂
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads