Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
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Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Wikigenius
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
🤣
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.