[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
You Might Also Like
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes