Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
You Might Also Like
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
me when the borders lift
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce