A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
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HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
You are not alone 💚
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
This hospital has everything
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.