18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
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‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.