Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
You Might Also Like
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
greetings!
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself