Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I was up all night reading about insomnia
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.