customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
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Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
yall want some gasoline milk
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
i now pronounce you bounced.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?