CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
You Might Also Like
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on