As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
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Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.