the icebreaker
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Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
me linking you to my twitter
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911