MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
You Might Also Like
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
#NeverForget
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
The first matador
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh