Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
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thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.